My husband and I were tossing up the idea of trying for a 3rd baby. We currently had 2 children, a girl aged 11, and a boy aged 9. I was very blessed with my first 2 pregnancies being healthy and going full term each time. It was after my second pregnancy with my son that I had late post partum hemorrhaging exactly 2 weeks after delivery due to retained placental fragments. I had an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding. I had always wanted another baby but after this ordeal it took me years and years to be brave enough to try for baby number 3. I told myself “what are the odds of that happening again?” “It was probably just some fluke thing.” Well, I graduated nursing school in May of 2019 and thats when my husband and decided we should try for baby #3. I was now 31 years old and he was 36. We tried for a few months and then in January of this year I found out I was pregnant!!! The estimated due date was my birthday! At around 5 weeks pregnant I had a teeny tiny bit of spotting when I used the restroom. I had never had this in my previous 2 pregnancies so I immediately panicked. I called and spoke to a nurse who calmed me and told me that spotting can sometimes occur in the 1st trimester. After this tiny bit of spotting I didn’t notice any more. A few weeks later when I was 8 weeks pregnant I had a tiny bit of spotting again. This time the doctors had me come in so they could do an exam and ultrasound. At this ultrasound I got the shock of my life. As I lay on that exam table and the doctor did the internal ultrasound she said to me “do you see that?” I said “yes”, but couldn’t really tell what I was looking at. Then she said “did you know you are expecting TWINS?!!!!” I was so shocked I became speechless. Our baby #3 was now baby #3 and baby #4!! A flood of emotions hit me all at once. Both babies had healthy heartbeats and were measuring right on track. I was told I would be seeing maternal fetal medicine due to this being a high risk pregnancy and that I was expecting mo/di twins which means “identical twins who have their own fluid sac but are sharing a placenta”. I immediately went home to tell my hubby the news face to face. His excitement was priceless. A few days later we told our 2 children who had begged and begged me for years to have another baby. When they found out that there was 2 babies in my belly they couldn’t believe it and were so excited for what was to come! I began seeing maternal fetal medicine when I was 12 weeks pregnant and had ultrasounds every 2 weeks. The babies were growing on track and doing great. At my 16 week ultrasound I found out my identical twins were sweet baby BOYS!!!! When I got home that day we had our older 2 children shoot off the confetti canons to reveal what their siblings were going to be. It was so exciting!! My next ultrasound was at 18 weeks and thats when I was diagnosed with twin to twin transfusion (TTTS). It was caught early and was at stage 1. I was to have another follow up ultrasound in a few days and if the TTTs had progressed then I would be headed to Seattle to have the laser ablation surgery. TTTS occurs in identical twin pregnancies when there is unequal sharing of the placenta and essentially one baby gets more blood flow than the other which causes a fluid discrepancy. The laser surgery would help equal out the sharing of the placenta and hopefully stop the TTTS. I stayed in contact with my maternal fetal medicine doctor and he assured me that we were doing the right thing by monitoring it and making sure it doesn’t progress. He would see my bright and early Monday morning to do another ultrasound and if needed I would be headed out on the earliest flight to Seattle for surgery to help my baby boys. That Sunday night before my appointment the next day I had some very low tummy pain that I thought was just gas pains. Eventually what I thought was gas turned into what I now thought was contractions and they were happening every 2 minutes. I woke my husband up to take me to the hospital. On the car ride there I was in a lot of pain but I hoped so badly that everything was alright and that it was just a stomach ache. I knew in my heart though that I was in labor. With my first 2 children I had to be induced at full term so I had never experienced anything like this. We arrived at the hospital in labor and delivery. The nurse had me get in a gown and she put monitors on my belly. Both babies were moving and had strong heartbeats but those contractions kept coming. The nurse needed to use a speculum so that she could get a swab to check for infection. She said that sometimes infection could cause early contractions. When she tried to put the speculum in she immediately took it out. That’s when my world came crashing down. She said she couldn’t get the speculum in because baby A’s head was right there already in the birth canal. I immediately became inconsolable at that time. I knew what this meant. She left to get the on call doctor to come in. Once the doctor arrived he did and ultrasound as well and said that there was nothing that could be done at this time to stop labor. A few minutes later I had a strong contraction and felt my body bear down to push. Baby A was coming out. The nurse turned around when I told her baby was coming and she caught him. They cut the cord and put him on my chest. Another strong contraction came immediately after and my water broke with Baby B. Once my water broke the contractions stopped. The doctors let me and my husband hold and love on our sweet baby A who we had named Clayton Thomas. He was born at 0243 a.m. due to early preterm labor and was born at almost 20 weeks gestation. I held him wrapped in his blanket while I waited for contractions to start back up. It had been a few hours now with no more progress and Baby B no longer had a heartbeat after my water broke. He was lying transverse and it was hard to get him delivered. I remember them telling me to push and push. I bagan to hemorrhage on the bed and I told the nurse and the doctor that I felt like I was going to throw up and pass out. My husband said I turned completely white and that he had never seen so much blood in his life. They rushed me out of the delivery room and into the operating room. They called a rapid response and the operating room was immediately flooded with people. I was in and out of consciousness but somehow I was able to deliver baby B on my own in the OR. We named him Cohen Matthew. The staff brought in my husband and baby Clayton so that we could all 4 be together before they did surgery on me. I was hemorrhaging and my placenta did not want to deliver. Once they took the boys and my husband out of the room they put me to sleep and did an emergency D&C. When I woke up in recovery the doctor told me it was the worst he had ever seen and that my placenta had to be cut and pulled out in multiple pieces. I recieved 3 blood transfusions during this surgery. My husband and I were able to spend a beautiful 18 hours holding and loving on our identical twin boys. My older children were able to come meet and hold there baby brothers who they had longed for for so many years. It was the hardest day of my life. Once my older children had left my husband and I spent another hour or 2 with Clayton and Cohen. Having the nurse take them from our room for what we knew was the last time was like being stabbed in the chest a million times over. We watched as she wheeled our sweet boys out together in their bassinet. The next day I was discharged home. I had walked into that hospital with 2 babies who were moving around and had strong heartbeats and now I was walking out empty handed and broken hearted. My boys were born just a few hours before what was supposed to be our next appointment with the maternal fetal medicine specialist on Monday. Fast forward a few days to Friday. I Began running a fever and had to go back to the same hospital I had just delivered my sweet babies. My doctor told me it was probably a uterine infection and gave me antibiotics to take at home. I continued running a fever off and on for the next week. I was seen again at the hospital due to the fever and a change in my bleeding. I was admitted this time for IV antibiotics. That night in the hospital I hemorrhaged again and was passing large clots! My nurse called the on call OB doctor to come in. He assured her over the phone that there was less than 5% chance of me needing another D&C. She refused to take that for an answer and had him get there immediately. The doctor came in and did a bedside ultrasound and said I needed surgery again right now!. Now I was headed back to the OR for my 2nd D&C and had another blood transfusion. This 2nd surgery slowed the bleeding down again and I was discharged home the following day. Now, fast forward again to the next week. Here comes a change in bleeding again (bright red and passing large clots). I called labor and delivery and the nurse told me that it could still be normal considering everything my body had been through. A few days later as I was in the shower I began hemorrhaging again and passed another huge clot. My husband and I headed back to the ER. There they examined me again. I had more blood and huge clots. I was admitted for the 3rd time. This was on a Sunday. I remained in the hospital with heavy bleeding off and on. On Tuesday I had a MRI which showed an undiagnosed placenta accreta (where the placenta grows through the uterine muscle) . My only option at this point to stop the massive bleeding and save my life was to do a hysterectomy. So that Wednesday @ only 32 years old I had to have a emergency hysterectomy and my 6th blood transfusion. These last few months have been so overwhelming as I just lost my boys this May 2020. Now not only am I grieving the loss of my twin boys but I’m also grieving the loss of my ability to ever bare another child.